Last I checked, im grown...

Song of the day- .. AINT NO SONG OF THE DAY. My speakers at work dont work. so all I been hearing all day is ruffling papers. Everybody get on that "stomp" hype and make beats at ya desk.. boom boom clack!


So yesterday, as Im coming back from Carl's Jr/Green Burrito with my nachos, and Mrs. Crazy weave (bosslady) calls me in her ofice with this dumb smirk on her face. Lookin like she just found her favorite easter egg or something, she proceeds to tell me she has some good news. Apparently, she has "manipulated" the powers that be to keep us around another week, since next week is "administrative appreciation day" on Wednesday. I mean shes giddy, happy as a 6 yr old on christmas morning. Im just sitting there looking at her like, OK... so I consider it and tell her ill stay, I go back to my desk and ponder over some things and get to thinking. Yea Im happy I get to get another weeks check, GOD's way of helping me out a little longer until my next job comes.. preciate that lord.. but Ill be damned if I sit here and get treated like kunta kinte.. see, I know whats going on. They got all this backlogged work, and they dont have noone to do it until the permanents actually get here, give or take a couple weeks. But, im not the one to sit and wait for you to tell me that next week, wait not this week the week after.. wait maybe in 2 weeks, will be my last day. Im already in the negative mindset around here that Im just trying to make some connections and do it movin from the spot that dropped me like a 2.00 hooker..yet you want me to be ecstatic when you tell me YEYYY! WE GOT YOU ANOTHA WEEK OFFA DEATH ROW!

...miss me..with that.

So Im happy to gain another check, and be able to live comfortably a little longer, granted I fully expect to be blessed with a new gig sooner than later. But for the record, my birthday aint June 7th 2003.. its June 7th, 1983.. I told my boss I fully feel like yall givin me the toddler treatment.. toyin with me..and last I checked.. Im grown

WOMP..

Rock Solid... Sometimes

I was reminded today of a situation I had to endure last year around this time this morning while reading -1-'s blog.. And how that situation really affected my mental.

It was when a friend of mine was killed, hit by a bullet in the back of the neck/head area.. I wont forget how long I was at the hospital that evening, and how long everything seemed to take. I wont forget that we were really good friends, and that I was kickin it with my girl Drea, Silvia, my boy Rell and Rip when Drea got the call that someone had been shot at the club down the way. It was an 18 and over spot, so naturally I declined on going.. I decided instead to have a nice night and eat some food from friends who loved to cook for fellow loved ones... but as we got to the club it was something different, seeing as we thought it was her sister and not her that had been shot.. and that it wasn't as major as it may have seemed.. But when I found out it was "Keeb", things shifted. My little homies came up to me knowing that we were close and were hysterical about the situation, screaming that they saw her get shot and that she was bleeding all over the place..all I could do was kinda search around and try to find a resolution to the issue at hand.

I saw her cousin running around without shoes on and screaming at the top of her lungs.. she saw me, and of course she probably could tell I didn't entirely know what was going on. Assuming I was probably with keeb's boyfriend ( we kicked it a lot at the time) she hysterically asked me "Wheres T!!!!!".. nobody knew where he was, I'm still wondering what happened, and allthewhile shes shaking and screaming about T needs to know..T needs to know.. So once I finally found out the whole situation, and realized my boy did not know his girlfriend was in rapid pace to the ER, I chose to make the call to him. Not sure why, looking back, would I not have called and had him find out another way? I don't know, but it burdened me..and I was THE most nervous on the phone Ive been in my life..

"T, get inya car man.. this aint good.. iono whas goin on, but I guess keeb got shot and she on the way to tha hospital... I need you to get her right now T.. Please man.. cmon.."

"wait..wait..wait.. wut? swag don't play with me man, what you talkn about.. what you tryna tell me man?!?!?!

He got hysterical and hung up the phone.. got there about 10 minutes later looking around. I told him to follow me to the hospital and we would go from there, but instead he just sped off without me.. So I jump into my whip and speed to the hospital as well..called him about 5 times, he finally picks up and walks out. Apparently, shes in the ER and they are tryna revive her cause the shot was direct..this is where the situation worsened..it was difficult enough for me to know that my friend was laying there fighting for her life, but at the same rate to see my boy going through the motions, killed me on the inside.. We stepped outside, cause he couldn't be in the hospital, and he literally broke all the way down.. a man with tears down his face trying to force out the words "shes trying, swag.. shes fightin!!!" please.. just let her get through man.. please swag.. I cant do this without her.." and so on and so forth..

..I can seriously say that I wont ever forget that moment.. EVER.

I couldn't do anything at all. helpless. In a life where sometimes my words can help a situation with a little uplifting jargon, I couldn't say a word.. I couldn't move.. I couldn't cry.. I wont forget that moment.. helpless as a newborn baby..and my boy was losing his rock..his love..

For about 15 minutes all I could really say to him was "she gon make it T, you know she strong...shes a fighter..".. if at any time I felt like there was no one in the world but me and someone else, that was really it. 15 mins felt like 15 years that night. Eventually his mom got there, her family had to drive all the way from the bay area, and people started to show up.. emotions flowed, and there was about 40 people in the hospital waiting room.. I noticed 2 things happen, and I'm not sure everyone else noticed it.. myself and Drea did though. They said code blue in the wing she was in, and then the chaplain snuck out.. I saw it and kinda dropped my head, and Drea tried to hold it in, but she exploded.. it caused a chain reaction cause now everyone was noticing that the situation just got worse.. I still couldn't cry, I don't think that my face changed expression for fear that if someone saw the change of emotion, it would read so tough from my face that I already knew Keeb had passed, they would know and it would be a wrap.. Once it was found out she wouldn't make it, well needless to say.. it was indeed a wrap. I still stood still, and emotionless.. T, well.. T just.. I don't know. I cant explain it through my fingers.

I just kinda stood there, trying to take everything in. And then I had to take people home, still tryna remain the rock. As I dropped off the last person, I realized that I had just gone through the death of a good friend.. and I also had to fly out the next morning at 8am to Texas for my grandmothers funeral.. If ever in life I had zero energy, and no feeling, complete numbness and was seriously moving on autopilot only knowing where I was at the smallest moment in time, it was at that point. I went home, I sat down.. couldn't believe anything, and I just released.. I ain't cried that hard since.. well..ever. I think this is the first time Ive written about it..still hurts to think on it. But I'm better with it.

I have had many a situation where Ive had to remain composed and be the rock for people. I don't knock it at all, I take it as HIS way of maybe showing me I have a strong soul and can take tough times.. I was mad this whole weekend, going into this week about my job situation, but no matter how hard I tried to be mad.. I don't stay that way. I regain the composure, and just keep moving. I may have a word of wisdom for someone going thru it, and I take it head on.. even in times of death. Some say holding it in and releasing it finally is bad, but maybe sometimes if people see the composure from me, they may see that it indeed will be ok.. I don't know. But im not complaining.

When it rains...

Song of the day- "Aint that a bitch" by Lil Wayne...

Here. we. go. again..

I noticed a trend happening in my life. Something drastic always seems to happen towards the beginning of every year inthe first 6 months leading up to my birthday (June 7th) that throw me for a loop, and have me back at square 1.

So its already a known fact that I moved outta my home this week, and officially spent the first night back at my parents on Wednesday. Im leaving the house around 10ish, goin to my folks house to kikit wit the extended fam for a little bit, release some stress, and of course as Im leaving I hear "dont come back too late!.. and dont chu be drinkin and drivin.. bla bla bla bla bla"..with a shake of my head I walked out the door in disgust.. Its already started... I slept in thiis full size bed for the first time in like 4 years, so used to stretching out in my good ole cali king.. this transistion is not going to be an easy one. I have plans to go to the lake this weekend and hang out with all of the loved ones, I can hear it tomorrow already..

mom: " I need you at the house all day today to do any and every small thing I ask, including just look at me so I know you aint doing anything but that..." (exaggerated...but you get the point)

me: " momma, I have plans..."

mom: "NO.. YOU DONT..." (insert argument..)

They say silence is golden at times, but me being me, and being ina situation where something is not right and affecting me, I will speak up.. so I know it will be very hard to grit my teeth and shut up for this stint in cell block 9476..*i feel a migraine coming*

My boss called me into the office on Wednesday to talk about a quick assignment. So as we talked about it and finished up the subject, she kindly inserts.." oh by the way, seeing as we just hired on the 2 new perms, and your a temp to hire, your last day of your assignment will be the 18th of this month..."

...... wait... wut?

my job is a 6 month temp to hire position, of which Ive been doing well at and had the utmost that I would get swooped up with open arms come August. I was told when I started, it would be a minimum of 6.. (1,2,3,4,5,6).. months. But out of the blue, with the sneakiest and most nonchalant way to say things, she told me Im outta here.. NEXT WEEK. a weeks notice. And the bitch gon have the nerve to sit here and talk to me like I never worked there.. "the county is a great place to work, I think you should take a few tests, you might like it here... ".

...wait....wut? *migraines here..*

SO, as of the 18th of April, barring some help from the woman who hired me, I will once again, be without steady income.. *shakes head* I spoke with Laura, the woman who hired me, and she assured me of course she didnt know about this situation, and they had nothing but great things to say about me here.. its just that the perms they hired are filling the role.. keep in mind, they hired OA's.. ima Sr. OA... 2 different positions..so Im on the short end of the stick. A woman just resigned here yesterday, I just found out..So you would think in the time of need, they wouldnt let anyone go... this bass ackward place is about to feel my wrath. I called in yesterday, on some fuck you type ish.. I didnt care.. and still dont.

7:55am (5 mins b4 start time).. me: "Hi, im not coming in today"
snaggertooth boss: "oh, well is everything alright?"
me: "yup, just not coming. bye.."

Needless to say, she should know whassup. So now, once again, im back at square 1. Frustrated, annoyed, but at the same rate, I cant let this faulter me. But the feeling of the weight of the world is on my back strong.. and I have no pain killers..

3. Today my truck overheated.. turns out one of the pipes or somethin leading to my radiator is busted, causing a healthy leak of the fluids.. felt real shitty to shut down on the way to my parents house for some lunch.. ANOTHER thing to deal with..

They say it happens in 3's.. well dammit, this 3 pointer has all but ended my career in retrospect..

WHO NEEDS A DRINK....

Miss FreshTaDef...

A zone restricted to those,
that only take it in stride
Learning to glide with the flow
not only go..
it takes many a man
to understand
why the world does not turn the otha way..
but I deal with what I deal with
and ultimately my faith na'er stray...
Living and walking
wit an urge to succeed
not even the downfalls
of my elder men reiterated
stop ma strive to need..

Need lust for life,
lust for her,
lust to live,
lust for birth..
I take it all in
with a breath and a smirk,
and realize maturity is the ultimate work..

Whether Miss Freshtadef cut open the wound
that allowed the skies to fly
remains to be seen
to my naked eye.

Though an individual
can influence the world
somehow it seems
that in my eyes
possibly I've been influenced
by this girl..
Her indefinite happiness
shadowed with the trials that life brings
the sturdiness of the backbone
the sexiness she perceives..
taking full advantage of what's thrown in direction
ensuing the utmost attention
amongst hidden protection..
tho 5 minutes not enough to know
and realize ones full potential,
like a lottery team with its first pick
investment controls any aspects
taken by my mental..

Indeed,
freshness stings the air
with so much perception
the namesake so fitting
when she looks in my direction..
So hence tha name
Miss Freshtadef..
without knowing outcome
of jumping from that incredulous cliff
I still proceed
to take the first step..

She is...



*written and copyrighted by MistaSwag, any use of this will result in my snipers shooting u down.. *

Well...

Song of the day- "Sunshine" by Lupe Fiasco- "outta the trillions of numbas thas in tha world/ just leave me a few/ that lead to you/ wont be longin/ Ill see you in the monin, coo?

Random: remember JS? The duo that came out with "ice cream" and "love angel"..? Kels thought he was gonna make it big with those ladies (he and mr. biggs), but somehow they flopped.. hmm. I listened to the cd this morning, and it really was not that bad of a cd. Exhibit A

I was sick as a dog last week, hence no posts since tuesday.. I rarely get sick, but when I do, and Im actually not stubborn enough to admit im sick, its pretty bad. Everyone in my office has caught the sickness and here I was walkin round head held high with vitamin c in hand proudly displaying my mucus free nose.. UNTIL wednesday night when I couldnt sleep and it felt like my back was trying to come thru my stomach, and my nose was full of molasses. Not a good look to say the least. When Im sick and cant sleep, or when my back is killing me, I tend to just sit up in a random area of the house and stare into nothingness, trying to find a reason or cure for the sickness. Medicine never works immediately so its suffering for about 30 mins. Well I found myself sitting on the arm of the couch for a good 45 mins (245-330AM) looking nowhere.. and in pain. Next day went to Dr. Momma and got some stuff.. I swear i was poppin pills like an ecstacy addict all day. I work with a sense of urgency when Im sick.. But nonetheless, I Mike Tyson'd that ish.. and by saturday I was cool. But man, those 4 days were hell... I hate gettin sick.

*sidenote* my ears are still popping, and have been since Wednesday.. damn.

I used to have a crop of hair...I jus noticed.

FOO!..... he in the house.

Song of the day-"shopaversary" by Trey Songz- "no baby I aint forget/you like that ice/ so you can keep it on/ while we do it..."

So I got a prank pulled on me today. Im doin ma usual lunch time activity (sleepin in my truck, I have an hour lunch and that hour nap sometimes feels like eternity). I take a nap everyday for 2 reasons. One, cause I'm still not a morning person, probably never will be. So I'm really mum until about 10, but fade out of energy by 12. So I have to recharge the batteries. And 2, cause I work with nothing but women, who gossip all day, about Coach purses and how they cheat on their boyfriends of many many years (let-it-out, dont be that woman! LOL). I pretty much dont have much to say to them when it all comes down to it so I aint about to sit at lunch and look down their throats.. Anyways, Im comin down from the nap euphoria, in that stage where your eyes are still closed but you really awake, when i hear a knock on my window. I turn around, and a white lady is motioning to me.. "You cant sleep in your vehicles on lunch sir".. My building is connected with the sherrifs dept. so shes like "Ima supervisor at the sherrifs dept and its against the rules to sleep in the parking lot on lunch. You can sleep in the break room though.." im still groggy so im like "gurgle, mumble, blah, huh?." Then she busts out laughing LOL. Turns out she used to work here and wanted to meet me.. dang. I got caught. Ah well.

I pulled a prank last year where I had my email admin take me off of the distro list for the day, I told some of my folks I had gotten fired for spitting in the big bosses face, made it sound all convincing, got real mad and mushfaced about it.. screamin and such talkin bout, "Man efff them suckas! He gon get in ma face and ish, I told him to get out ma face, and since he didnt I spit on his dumb ass!".. So I told em to email me since they thought I was lyin, and since my name was no longer on the distro, it looked like I had been removed from the system LOL..good prank to say the least.

I found a cd last night of Alicia Keys "you dont know my name" burned 15 times on it.. LOL. Obviously I love that song. It got me thinkin on some things, and how that song hit me, then the video came along and solidified my "love" for her. Then I read EB's blog about wondering what her future hubby was doing at that exact moment. Its an interesting concept to think about that, cause ultimately theres someone there for each one of us and is building themself up to be with you whether either of you know it or not. The ultimate plan. I think on that sometimes like all the things im doing, or have been scripted by GOD to do, all lead up to the ultimate plan he has for me. I cant even really think of the fact of being married, having my own child and doing the family man face as of right now. Not saying I dont want it, but my life leading up to now has never been about that, and I dont intend for it to be for a while of course. Yet im almost 25, so time pushes faster and faster. Maybe ill get into that later, but I think its an interesting thought to think about what your soulmate/lover/"ONE" is doing at this exact moment. And if they may be thinkin the same about you, without knowing its you.. that sleepless in seattle type junk. (sets that subject on the backburner for future reference)

Movin cool...

HORRIBLE Song of the day- "love in this club" by Usher. I really dont get songs like this, I mean its not really that catchy. Plus, the song talks about somebody "makin love" in the club.. LOL. I mean whens the last time you saw candles lit, background music playing softly, eye contact and real good Teddy P love making.. IN THE CLUB. And Im sure that I am not the only person who feels that Ush will never do any better than "confessions" (also see "miseducation of lauryn hill...)

I was reading Dejanae's blog, and she mentioned blogging on the weekends, something I rarely do. Maybe I should, seeing as most of the blogs i write are spur of the moment thoughts. Just a thought.

So, I recently found out I have to move back home with my mother and father. My sister and I have our own house, nice lil 4 bed 2 bath get up that suits both of us well. Anyways, we have to move out of the house, and back into our parents house. Little situation to help family, which I cant really say I have a problem with at all. Family is family, and love is love. At the end of the day, we all have each others backs unconditionally. I am mad I wont be living in my own home anymore, well for the time being. One thing I am having trouble with is the fact of actually living at my parents house again. I mean the last time I was there was at age 21, so ive been gone almost 4 years, and have gotten thoroughly used to having my own space and privacy. On any given day you can hear a pin drop in my house its so quiet, my sister and I dont bother each other, she has her schedule, I have mine. Friends come thru, we kickit, and then they are gone. I maintain the cleanliness of the house, and everything is everything..
But now I have to go back to the rule of the parental units. Which is not going to be a good transistion. I'm almost 25, sis will be 27 in April. These arent the same 2 kids that used to live in mom n dads house. My mother, oh how I love my mother.. but its a known fact that we but heads at times. My mother lives by the "my way or no way" creed, and me.. well I like to think for myself. They dont bother big sis really, shes got her career setup, and is doin her. She has always run by the beat of her own drum, and since shes the favorite (everyone has a favorite sibling.. ) she pretty much can do her. Me, well im the baby boy. The only son. Pops instills in me to continue the legacy, which I dont have a problem with. And momma, well she still looks at me as the little boy runnin around bumpin his head off the walls. So she hits me with the ridicule ona daily.
Ive gotten used to the nick nack and the nagging.. it happens, and sometimes I get frustrated and lash out only to apologize, and other times I just smile and say, "ok, momma..." So needless to say, this move back in will be an interesting one. Im thinking that I may just invest in getting another place outside of home with Q. We talked about it, and for sanity's sake.. I may have to approach that option full speed ahead. I wont last a month in my parents house without pullin what hair I have on my head out. And thats real LOL.

*Sidenote*.. Am I the only one who's momma will always tell you what to do,even when you already are in route to do it???.. I will tell my momma on Friday, "Im gonna come ova tomorrow round noon.." . She will call me on Saturday at 1135 talkin about " I need you to come ova to the house.. so come ova. And hurry up.. "... WTF?? Didnt I already say I was comin ova? Or Ill be cleaning her kitchen, and she will come to the balcony talkinbout, "make sure you clean that kitchen before you leave!!!!"... Momma and her controls.. *sigh*