Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Rock Solid... Sometimes

I was reminded today of a situation I had to endure last year around this time this morning while reading -1-'s blog.. And how that situation really affected my mental.

It was when a friend of mine was killed, hit by a bullet in the back of the neck/head area.. I wont forget how long I was at the hospital that evening, and how long everything seemed to take. I wont forget that we were really good friends, and that I was kickin it with my girl Drea, Silvia, my boy Rell and Rip when Drea got the call that someone had been shot at the club down the way. It was an 18 and over spot, so naturally I declined on going.. I decided instead to have a nice night and eat some food from friends who loved to cook for fellow loved ones... but as we got to the club it was something different, seeing as we thought it was her sister and not her that had been shot.. and that it wasn't as major as it may have seemed.. But when I found out it was "Keeb", things shifted. My little homies came up to me knowing that we were close and were hysterical about the situation, screaming that they saw her get shot and that she was bleeding all over the place..all I could do was kinda search around and try to find a resolution to the issue at hand.

I saw her cousin running around without shoes on and screaming at the top of her lungs.. she saw me, and of course she probably could tell I didn't entirely know what was going on. Assuming I was probably with keeb's boyfriend ( we kicked it a lot at the time) she hysterically asked me "Wheres T!!!!!".. nobody knew where he was, I'm still wondering what happened, and allthewhile shes shaking and screaming about T needs to know..T needs to know.. So once I finally found out the whole situation, and realized my boy did not know his girlfriend was in rapid pace to the ER, I chose to make the call to him. Not sure why, looking back, would I not have called and had him find out another way? I don't know, but it burdened me..and I was THE most nervous on the phone Ive been in my life..

"T, get inya car man.. this aint good.. iono whas goin on, but I guess keeb got shot and she on the way to tha hospital... I need you to get her right now T.. Please man.. cmon.."

"wait..wait..wait.. wut? swag don't play with me man, what you talkn about.. what you tryna tell me man?!?!?!

He got hysterical and hung up the phone.. got there about 10 minutes later looking around. I told him to follow me to the hospital and we would go from there, but instead he just sped off without me.. So I jump into my whip and speed to the hospital as well..called him about 5 times, he finally picks up and walks out. Apparently, shes in the ER and they are tryna revive her cause the shot was direct..this is where the situation worsened..it was difficult enough for me to know that my friend was laying there fighting for her life, but at the same rate to see my boy going through the motions, killed me on the inside.. We stepped outside, cause he couldn't be in the hospital, and he literally broke all the way down.. a man with tears down his face trying to force out the words "shes trying, swag.. shes fightin!!!" please.. just let her get through man.. please swag.. I cant do this without her.." and so on and so forth..

..I can seriously say that I wont ever forget that moment.. EVER.

I couldn't do anything at all. helpless. In a life where sometimes my words can help a situation with a little uplifting jargon, I couldn't say a word.. I couldn't move.. I couldn't cry.. I wont forget that moment.. helpless as a newborn baby..and my boy was losing his rock..his love..

For about 15 minutes all I could really say to him was "she gon make it T, you know she strong...shes a fighter..".. if at any time I felt like there was no one in the world but me and someone else, that was really it. 15 mins felt like 15 years that night. Eventually his mom got there, her family had to drive all the way from the bay area, and people started to show up.. emotions flowed, and there was about 40 people in the hospital waiting room.. I noticed 2 things happen, and I'm not sure everyone else noticed it.. myself and Drea did though. They said code blue in the wing she was in, and then the chaplain snuck out.. I saw it and kinda dropped my head, and Drea tried to hold it in, but she exploded.. it caused a chain reaction cause now everyone was noticing that the situation just got worse.. I still couldn't cry, I don't think that my face changed expression for fear that if someone saw the change of emotion, it would read so tough from my face that I already knew Keeb had passed, they would know and it would be a wrap.. Once it was found out she wouldn't make it, well needless to say.. it was indeed a wrap. I still stood still, and emotionless.. T, well.. T just.. I don't know. I cant explain it through my fingers.

I just kinda stood there, trying to take everything in. And then I had to take people home, still tryna remain the rock. As I dropped off the last person, I realized that I had just gone through the death of a good friend.. and I also had to fly out the next morning at 8am to Texas for my grandmothers funeral.. If ever in life I had zero energy, and no feeling, complete numbness and was seriously moving on autopilot only knowing where I was at the smallest moment in time, it was at that point. I went home, I sat down.. couldn't believe anything, and I just released.. I ain't cried that hard since.. well..ever. I think this is the first time Ive written about it..still hurts to think on it. But I'm better with it.

I have had many a situation where Ive had to remain composed and be the rock for people. I don't knock it at all, I take it as HIS way of maybe showing me I have a strong soul and can take tough times.. I was mad this whole weekend, going into this week about my job situation, but no matter how hard I tried to be mad.. I don't stay that way. I regain the composure, and just keep moving. I may have a word of wisdom for someone going thru it, and I take it head on.. even in times of death. Some say holding it in and releasing it finally is bad, but maybe sometimes if people see the composure from me, they may see that it indeed will be ok.. I don't know. But im not complaining.


Crys.C said...

(Dag, you and The Flyyest are killing me :( ...)
I’m so sorry to hear about your lost.
It’s hard to lose someone in such a tragic way, and for you to go thru that and attend your grandmother’s funeral the next day is crazy.
But your everyday trials help you to become stronger, and God only puts us thru what he knows we can handle.

allienicole said...

yea...this post pretty much brought me to tears. i'm really REALLY sorry for your loss. my worst fear is losing someone i love...i am usually the rock for my friends..just always there to listen and comfort and nurture...but when shit happens to me i crumble...i've never felt that numb sensation...i just feel EVERYTHING. know what i mean?
i'm actually from san ramon (don't laugh!) by way of oakland ... i don't know if this was the same girl but i do remember reading about a girl around my age getting killed outside of a club around sacramento last year. was she habesha (eritrean/ethiopian) by chance? One of my friends at school knew her if she was.

in any event, thank you for sharing this with us

swag_ambassador said...

@crys- yea that is a crazy situation kisha had to go thru.. I was reminded of that also when I wrote mine.. silly silly times..

@ aliie- yea thats the exact person it was about. and yea she was eritrean. we were real close, I was one of the 1st folk she met comin out this way so it was tough. but i feel you on emotions goin thru you.. its the oddest feeling ever i think

Eb the Celeb said...

Dang you know I cant do the sad stories... I'm out!

Still_Pocahontaz said...

Swag I try to get the most of your personality I possibly can because my son was born on your birthday. He will be 8. His name is Asante’
I admire your strength and your compassion for your love ones. I love the fact that you are not scared to show your true emotion.

I remember when my sons uncle got killed and on my way driving his mom to the hospital, his mom by the way is a nurse, she was told over the phone that when she got there to give them the reference number DOA ### some others I cant remember. So obviously she knew over the phone that he was dead and gone but she would not express it because she was trying to hold it up for the rest of the family and she wanted to go there to see if it was true for herself. I was clueless I had no idea that those letters stood for Dead On Arrival. For that matter I will never forget that.

Hang in there, the reason why you are remembering these things is because GOD is showing you that you are stronger than you could ever imagine and he is allowing you to recollect on the hard times he has pulled you through. You have a calming about yourself which is a spiritual gift so don’t ever try to suppress that

::Hugs and Kisses:: Be Blessed

PrettyBlack said...

? Is that that the young lady who was shot in front of the library by a stray bullet? If so that shit was crazy...I heard she was like a straight A student finally out to have a good time. Damn.

PrettyBlack said...

@ EB Girl my computer goes straight to not responding when I try to click on your site. What's up with that?!

Lady Cameleon said...

"Beautiful Disaster" my friend....this peice of writing was definately a testimony of strength,

Thank You

12kyle said...

We all have a purpose on this earth until God chooses for us to leave. Nobody knows when that time is. The only thing that we can do is to live every day to the fullest. Sorry to hear about the lost. You painted a vivid picture for all of us to see. There's a lesson in the tragedy...you have a living testimony that you were able to share. Don't underestimate that, fam.

Great post

Lisa said...

Ya know its hard reading this. I think about her all the time and with the 1 yr. coming up its about time I supress my feelings of regret for not saying goodbye to her when I left the club that night...or not telling her that maybe she should leave too...or how I had such a bad feeling about that night before it happened...I know that she knows how I feel and that she is missed immensely by so many. I can only imagine how hard this was for you...so Thank you for writing this.

Queen of My Castle said...

I hope this doesn't offend you, but after reading this post you reminded me of a hummingbird and all that it symbolizes.

They represent the ability to take all in stride and roll with the punches, all while spreading love and joy, and encourage other to look deep within themselves to find an inner peace and joy.

I hope you're good.

Monie said...

Oh, Swag. Thanks so much for sharing this. At the very least, I hope being able to share this with us lightened that load just a little bit.
I can't imagine how you must have felt at the time, or her boyfriend, friends and family...
I love that you were able to be strong for all of them. You are an angel for that.

Demon Hunter said...

Wow. This post hurt my feelings and I didn't know your friends. Sorry for your loss from years ago.

There's nothing wrong with being a rock. I've done it my whole life---but everyone cries eventually, even if no one else sees you do it. Think about Florida Evans when James died. That one scene will resonate with me my entire life. Take care. :*)

Adrianne M said...

yea! I saw your comment on -1-'s blog and it brought me here.

Intense. Never been in a position like that before, but they come..and thank God for that. Doesn't seem like it in the moment, but I'm sure you learned so much about yourself from it.

dejanae said...

sometimes you need to be that pillar of strength for others
Only God knows what we can handle

bri.chic said...

My dad is one of those people who hardly ever shows emotion and I always tell him that when he finally breaks down its gonna be ugly... Never quite looked at it the way u do though... Sad, sad story.

swag_ambassador said...

@eb- lol, tis all good.

@poca- oh really? well that is a blessing! us geminis arent the handful some folks think. I try to remain as cool as possible on many daily stages. :) im sure asante' is the same..
that must be a hard situation for her to have had to go thru, it was surreal when i realized what had happened at that hospital that night.. i thank you for your words

@pretty- yea that was the sitaution at hand, and yea it was crazy. she was a great girl.

@cameleon- I appreciate that

@kyle- i agree to the fullest.. big ups bruh.

@lisa- you already know i feel you, and im glad that it at least was a good read for you.

@queen- im good, better than i used to be.. and the post helped as well. and that didnt offend me at all, i appreciate ya words

@monie- it did, it was a form of release, and i dont regret writing it at all

@dh- i feel you totally, there really isnt anything wrong with it. i dont mind the responsibility at times at all

@adrianne- i think i have too.. i know i learned the amount of care i have for those close to me if anything

@dejanae- thats true.

@bri- sometimes holding it in and releasign it elsewhere seems like the logical thing to do, sometimes...

Eb the Celeb said...

I dont know what is going on with my spot... OD and swag both said they been having probs with my site... its fine on my end... it does work best in firefox though... are you using IE... its fast as hell on my side... I dont know what the prob is... maybe I should tell you this on your own site though...lol

The Flyyest said...

all i can do is cry!!

Opinionated Diva said...

Chills and teary eyed after reading how your friend died. Reminds me of the way I lost my friend Low as a teenager.

On another note...luv the updated profile pic! Adorable!

Melody.Darlene said...

damn mad respect for u for putting this all out there! im at a loss for words and dont really think anything that i can attempt to convey can truly express ur feelings right now. stay up.

karrie b. said...

i told you before and im gonna tell you again...i'm really VERY sorry for your loss. atleast ur friends have a friend like you when shit hits the fan. that shit is priceless. feel better hunnie...


i.can't.complain. said...

sorry i missed this post, swag

im glad i could inspire u to share this one

that numbness is something aint it.

its like u can feel, but u can't necessarily react.

and u just feel so tired on the inside.

but can't really sleep.

been there.

ure a strong man, dude.

keeping your composure thru all that.

and my heart dropped when u wrote the part about u and the young lady seeing the priest sneak out.


prayers, as always.


Daria said...

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